I constantly crave spaces where I can be myself and more but I never put in the work. “Girlllll, you have to do better” is something I’m always telling myself but never living. Currently in my life, I’m not happy but I’m distracted from the sadness so it’s the overall weird feeling,
But I really want to pour all of my feelings into one place and know that it’s my safe haven.
Trying again to ensure this space is that.
I’m currently in the pits of my life- not in the pits where I’m absolutely drowning and afraid to even attempt to leave my bed or the house (apartment), but the pits in which I’m constantly comparing Michelle to others and disagreeing with all the good and proud moments I once associated with myself.
For example, I’ve realized (and been told numerous times) that as a black woman and college graduate 🎓 👩🏿🎓 , I need to a strive for a higher form of education which has led to me to the application process for my MPH (masters in public health).
Don’t get me wrong, I planted the seed a longggg time ago that in order to achieve more and to be seen as serious and determined in the world of public health, I need to achieve more schooling. I understand all of this, I just wish I would stop thinking about the past and how I should have started this process long ago and how others my age are now getting their degree and it’s graduation time and they are moving on post grad school while I am still pre-pre grad school.
I never learned how to shake the feeling of comparison EVER. I compare my body to others more than I’d ever like to share, but even more than that I compare my mind/brains/intellect/intelligence to others and it’s exhausting and saddening.
So how do I change, how do I stop before it’s all I ever do? How do I stop myself from going to these crappy thoughts the moment I open my eyes?
To be honest, I have no idea. I’ve recently tried overcoming this and tried using books, poems, words of encouragement, even those optimistic, inspiring instagrams with positive affirmations and advice on setting goals and and Nothing.. nothing works. At best, I feel good and optimistic for maybe 10 minutes and then it wears off like a crappy, quick high and I’m back to the beginning.
Meh, back to reality….. I’ll keep on keeping on and see what lies ahead.
I just confirmed a shared church trip to Haiti in July and I am beyond ecstatic and a little freaked. How am I going to pay 😳
To be continued.
I am always ready for change at least I’m always talking about it and letting everyone know that I’m ready; it’s what I’m made to do.
In elementary school, my desire for change was just always that… just a desire. I’d say I was ready for it, but the moment it came for me to start making that change, I backed out or talked myself out of it. When high school rolled around, it was exactly the same and I was baffled. Pshh I’m older, grown and wiser and I am telling myself that it’s “too hard to commit to change”. WHAT?! But there I was talking the idea of changing up, but never committing to it. So when college rolled around I was shook, thinking continuously that’ll I’ll never truly be ready for it. Then it hit me.
I was making friends and dropping those that didn’t have my best interest at heart. Creating connections (romantic ones at that) and learning to understand when it was time to put an end to those “connections” 🙄. I changed majors, roommates, styles, my relationship with God and so much more and I didn’t lose myself.
✨✨ Once college ended, I was ready yet afraid for the change, mainly because I didn’t want to lose myself in the process. It’s been almost 2 years since I graduated in May 2016 and I am actually itching for a big time change. Well a positive one.. gimme a positive God, please just a positive 😂 please go ahead and sprinkle that Optimism into my life… Amen.
Alright I’m back from my moment, where was I…. Oh! So yes I want a positive change— I create lists in my head, on my phone and on paper all of the time with goals and changes in mind, but I’d like to just REALLY sit down and work on these changes.
I’m going to do it, I just don’t know when………
This makes me so nervous – I don’t know why. As titled this is my first time.. publicly spewing out my inner thoughts, blogging you name it- This is the first. I want this to be a place where I can come beaming with inner joy just waiting to share bits and pieces of myself and I also want this to be a place in which I can slam my fingers on the keyboard in frustration letting every bit of anger melt away as I type my thoughts.
I need to know more about myself- what I’m capable of and why it is I do the things I do. I hope and pray this is an outlet that can help me get a little bit closer to my ever revolving door.